I'm really ready for summer. And next school year. This year has been great, but I feel like it's been mostly a learning experience. How to adapt to everything, if you will. Roommates and friends, grades and homework, home and school. Plus, i've got some pretty exciting classes next quarter, including being in a lab with mice, and doing behavioral studies! It's all very exciting. And I'm ready for summer....
I spend a lot of time on tumblr now... It's sort of consumed my blogging. You can find it at Doorwayshome.tumblr.com if you wish to see it. Tumblr is a really cool community...
I've had a hard time finding things to decorate my walls with since I'm very picky about things like that, so i've decided to draw/paint my own things to hang! Which is pretty exciting...
I still have a continuing obsession with cats.... In fact, it may have gotten worse, if that's possible. Kittehroulette.com....
Also, I'm 19 now! What's strange is I actually do feel a bit older, which isn't usually the case. 19 just seems so old.... I'm almost in my 20's... That's just a strange thought. It's also strange to think my grandparents were already married at my age!
I think i've exhausted my ramblings for now, so i'll leave you with a short story/thing I just wrote. 'Til next time!!
A Thread Cut With a Carving Knife
It was a hot and sultry afternoon in late June. The two of us had collapsed ourselves in the deep shade of the willow tree on Peak Hill to conclude our day’s love affair. We lay there in the deep green grass, looking up into the weeping branches of the willow as the sun continued it’s slow decent to the distant horizon. There was so much I felt I needed to say to you, but it was too damn hot to speak that much, even in our shade, and we found it felt much easier to touch. As the sun neared its destination, arriving with a blind man’s masterpiece, we just lay there clinging to one another, as if to separate were to say a farewell forever. And so we forget to fall apart that day.
And the next day….
****
Above me lay just a cold and endless sky, grey clouds looming on into the distance. It was the day that I decided I was through with love. I made my slow journey along the path that lead from the hill back into town, pausing along the metal serrated fence that surrounded the small graveyard. A small girl lay there, curled next to a modest headstone and clutching a small tulip in her sorrowful sleep. As I neared her, I noticed the drying tracks that lead from her now silenced eyes down to her frail chinbone. The engraving on the tombstone read:
Grace Campbell
1980-2010
Beloved Mother, Daughter, and Wife
Graceful in life, Graceful in death
I removed my heavy coat and laid it over the girl to shield her from the grey clouds, and made my way back. As I neared the small barrier of trees guarding the town with piles of leaves as skeletons, I realized that I was only skin and bones.
I went to the bridge, just outside of town. The one at which we had met. I went to the bridge so that I could fall, and drop down into the current, far away from it all. But as I stood on the edge, ready to let go, I looked down at the water. It was so black and deep, that I had to close my eyes and look away.
And I fell asleep, ‘til the next day….
****
The snow had fallen hard from five to five, and the only way to stay alive was to drink your worries away. The tumblers were drained and then flooded again and again as I sat slouched on the barstool I called home. And as the bartender filled my glass one last time for the evening, I wished it would kill me too. Because then at least I’d have something changing me. There would a break from the continuous dark emptiness.
I was as cold as the ice at my front door, and I raised my trembling glass, shouting “Fuck the war!”. And then I fell into oblivion. Through the blackness of the world I found myself lying on my bed with my shoes on. That was the last of the light I felt.
‘Til the next day…
****
As you handed me the envelope, I knew what it contained. And I knew no matter what that opening your letter would be the hardest thing I would ever do. On that terrible evening when the darkness began looming, I opened that grey envelope as if I were a doctor making the first incision for a heart transplant.
The world I saw no longer had substance – the lines around me had been blurred until everything I saw blended into one. I began to read your final words to me.
“Baby, close your eyes until tomorrow. It could bring joy, or it could bring sorrow, but no matter what happens it will come as sure as light. You never know what may come, but you have to be ready for anything, even if it means losing everything. Try not to dream tonight. I know that if you do you’ll just be consumed by the darkness in the corners of your mind, and you’ll be lost to the world too. Imagine that you’re just standing here, and suddenly you disappear. That’s how I feel… I’ll never be ready for this, but I know I’ll disappear soon. ‘A thread cut with a carving knife’- That is what they call our life. And now, I understand.
I love you.
Be strong.”
