So I'm a bit of a pushover. At least in the things I really care about - which is kind of backwards when you think about it. You're supposed to be assertive about the things that matter and let everything else sort of happen. Right?
In hindsight I always find that I have more to say. I think it's rather typical for people to feel this way, but I don't think quite to the same extent. It's almost like I read into what the other person wants, what they expect, what they hope for, and then comply. But it leaves so much for me to feel later, that as a result then goes unsaid.
So I'll say something now:
Looking back, I shouldn't have let things go so easily. Forgiveness and understanding was what you hoped I would give you, and thus that's what I provided. Revisiting the whole situation, I'd have much more to say on the matter. I wish you could understand how I feel about it now, instead of only knowing how I was then.
Looking back, I should have been more straightforward. It was expected that I accept what you said as truth, but I should have probed more. I mean, maybe you would have understood sooner had I questioned you. But I'm not really caught up on it anymore. I was for longer than I should have been, but I'd rather like to be friends.
Looking back, I should have said everything I felt. You had valid reasons and you made sense, and I think that's what I hated most. I didn't want you (or myself) to feel like I was trying to persuade you into it, but I should have said far more than I did. I certainly had more to say. And maybe I'll find a way to tell you all of it soon. But I think the main thing I feel in this case is: fuck reason. Reason sucks. The times in my life when I go against reason are most often the times that I find the most enjoyable and rewarding. So, maybe I'm biased, but I think everyone needs to have a bit of time in their life when they take logic and reason, tie them together, and throw them out the window of your car while flying down the freeway - let your emotions and your gut take the wheel and drive you on a journey with an unknown destination.
Because fuck reason.
