The Friend High

There is a curious phenomenon. It happens all too rarely, which is rather a sad thing. And I believe that fewer people experience it than you would expect, which is also incredibly sad because it is one of the most wonderful things.

It's a feeling. A rush. It's incomprehensible. I call it a Friend High. It's the sudden realization that you have the most amazing friend(s) you could have ever asked for. It usually strikes at completely random times, and it can be debilitating. You suddenly realize that you absolutely love your friends, and always have and always will. These are the friends you will NEVER lose, no matter what happens. You can't afford to.

These are the friends who understand your brain. They understand your heart. And they still like you despite your faults. They, of course, have none whatsoever or if they do you're completely blind to them. And it's perfect that way, and you would love them even if you discovered these faults.

With this Friend High comes the intense desire to relay to your friends your feelings for them. This is, of course, impossible. That's the nature of the Friend High. Even when you try to put it into words, it gets all garbled and doesn't come out right.

So this is my attempt. This post is for you. Because if you're reading this, chances are pretty high that I have felt this Friend High towards you more than once. Because you are not only an amazing friend, but an amazing human being.

Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for always being there. But most of all, thank you for being you. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Fuck Reason

So I'm a bit of a pushover. At least in the things I really care about - which is kind of backwards when you think about it. You're supposed to be assertive about the things that matter and let everything else sort of happen. Right?

In hindsight I always find that I have more to say. I think it's rather typical for people to feel this way, but I don't think quite to the same extent. It's almost like I read into what the other person wants, what they expect, what they hope for, and then comply. But it leaves so much for me to feel later, that as a result then goes unsaid.

So I'll say something now:

Looking back, I shouldn't have let things go so easily. Forgiveness and understanding was what you hoped I would give you, and thus that's what I provided. Revisiting the whole situation, I'd have much more to say on the matter. I wish you could understand how I feel about it now, instead of only knowing how I was then.

Looking back, I should have been more straightforward. It was expected that I accept what you said as truth, but I should have probed more. I mean, maybe you would have understood sooner had I questioned you. But I'm not really caught up on it anymore. I was for longer than I should have been, but I'd rather like to be friends.

Looking back, I should have said everything I felt. You had valid reasons and you made sense, and I think that's what I hated most. I didn't want you (or myself) to feel like I was trying to persuade you into it, but I should have said far more than I did. I certainly had more to say. And maybe I'll find a way to tell you all of it soon. But I think the main thing I feel in this case is: fuck reason. Reason sucks. The times in my life when I go against reason are most often the times that I find the most enjoyable and rewarding. So, maybe I'm biased, but I think everyone needs to have a bit of time in their life when they take logic and reason, tie them together, and throw them out the window of your car while flying down the freeway - let your emotions and your gut take the wheel and drive you on a journey with an unknown destination.

Because fuck reason.

-Waiting and Waiting-

Waiting

Waiting and Waiting

The dusting of the moon slowly spreading across the Earth's soft hips
Its hair flowing gloriously towards a far off waterfall
All is silent
Silent Still
Until

The murmuring of the words desired, falling upon future ears

Or is it
The soft whispering of destruction
Falling Fast
The Earth comes crashing, shattering
And then silence.
Silence until

A prospect. An idea, spoken to baited breath
That may the sun bring to the dusting of the night
And call forth sweet Spring
Or yet may forever cast away the warmth
And leave all shrouded in Black Velvet

And yet
Only the Fates can recall the weaving of their tanged skein

For the rest there is Waiting

Waiting and Waiting

Time for Adventure

So, there's been a question floating around recently. I can't seem to find a solid answer to it... So I'll ask you:

Do you start something you know has an end date? Something that, when it ends, will hurt an incredible amount?

My first response is yes of course. Life is experience, memories, and emotions. Why deny any one of those? They are what we build our personalities out of, and what teach us how to grow. Not to mention the fact that, essentially, everything carries with it an end date, even if that end date is marked by your own death. The only thing that has really changed is the fact that you know roughly when the time will come for things to end. And I think "I can handle that, it would all be worth it." And it very much is, and would be.

But there's no denying there will be pain. Laying here imagining the arrival of the end brings more than the comforting melancholy of evening thoughts. It brings a sadness. If the prospect of the end is already this muting, can already cause this hollow feeling, it's hard to figure how much worse it could be when it's finally time.

But of course what's life without living? Of course it'll all go through. After all, the pains in life are the proof that we're alive. Without pain there couldn't be true happiness, true euphoria. Isn't that one of the things about drug addiction? And without life there couldn't be death. Everything can be a metaphor for death.

So the pain will be put off to the future. Now is the time for adventure, enjoyment, fulfillment, and intrigue. I'm off to the safari. I'll try to send you a postcard if I get a chance.

New Beginnings

Things change constantly. The world is never ending change.

The thing is, you never really know what comes after. Like the transition from life to death, what comes after is shrouded in speculation and best guesses. You may have faith that the things in your life will turn out one way, but you won't truly know what will happen until after the fact. Will you?

And then things afterwards are so different than you expected them to be. For a little while, you form the world to your expectations. You live in a world of partial non-reality. But your perception breaks, and you realize that things aren't quite what was expected. The world is brighter than your speculation. The world is messier, and darker, and ever more changing.

Once your world has shifted, it's time to find new constants - new stars in the sky to map and comfort yourself with. For some, this is the hardest part. We aren't all born astronomers. Some turn to the darkest places, while some search in the past to find their new points in the sky. You find constants that you thought had disappeared.

But most unexpectedly, you find constants from the unknown. You're introduced to someone new, and suddenly the days go by in such a blur you never thought possible. And you're happy again. You realize that things in the past weren't quite as you remembered, and you find comfort in this.

There's comfort in new worlds. Unexplored realms, new friends, new ideas. And you find yourself thinking:

"I never want this to change..."