Nice to See You!

It's been quite a while since I've been back here... Hello again! :) i feel like I only come here anymore to put random stories I write somewhere. So I'll do a bit more than that this time!

I'm really ready for summer. And next school year. This year has been great, but I feel like it's been mostly a learning experience. How to adapt to everything, if you will. Roommates and friends, grades and homework, home and school. Plus, i've got some pretty exciting classes next quarter, including being in a lab with mice, and doing behavioral studies! It's all very exciting. And I'm ready for summer....

I spend a lot of time on tumblr now... It's sort of consumed my blogging. You can find it at Doorwayshome.tumblr.com if you wish to see it. Tumblr is a really cool community...

I've had a hard time finding things to decorate my walls with since I'm very picky about things like that, so i've decided to draw/paint my own things to hang! Which is pretty exciting...

I still have a continuing obsession with cats.... In fact, it may have gotten worse, if that's possible. Kittehroulette.com....

Also, I'm 19 now! What's strange is I actually do feel a bit older, which isn't usually the case. 19 just seems so old.... I'm almost in my 20's... That's just a strange thought. It's also strange to think my grandparents were already married at my age!

I think i've exhausted my ramblings for now, so i'll leave you with a short story/thing I just wrote. 'Til next time!!




A Thread Cut With a Carving Knife

            It was a hot and sultry afternoon in late June. The two of us had collapsed ourselves in the deep shade of the willow tree on Peak Hill to conclude our day’s love affair. We lay there in the deep green grass, looking up into the weeping branches of the willow as the sun continued it’s slow decent to the distant horizon. There was so much I felt I needed to say to you, but it was too damn hot to speak that much, even in our shade, and we found it felt much easier to touch. As the sun neared its destination, arriving with a blind man’s masterpiece, we just lay there clinging to one another, as if to separate were to say a farewell forever. And so we forget to fall apart that day.

            And the next day….

****

            Above me lay just a cold and endless sky, grey clouds looming on into the distance. It was the day that I decided I was through with love. I made my slow journey along the path that lead from the hill back into town, pausing along the metal serrated fence that surrounded the small graveyard. A small girl lay there, curled next to a modest headstone and clutching a small tulip in her sorrowful sleep. As I neared her, I noticed the drying tracks that lead from her now silenced eyes down to her frail chinbone. The engraving on the tombstone read:

Grace Campbell

1980-2010

Beloved Mother, Daughter, and Wife

Graceful in life, Graceful in death

            I removed my heavy coat and laid it over the girl to shield her from the grey clouds, and made my way back. As I neared the small barrier of trees guarding the town with piles of leaves as skeletons, I realized that I was only skin and bones.

            I went to the bridge, just outside of town. The one at which we had met. I went to the bridge so that I could fall, and drop down into the current, far away from it all. But as I stood on the edge, ready to let go, I looked down at the water. It was so black and deep, that I had to close my eyes and look away.

            And I fell asleep, ‘til the next day….

****

            The snow had fallen hard from five to five, and the only way to stay alive was to drink your worries away. The tumblers were drained and then flooded again and again as I sat slouched on the barstool I called home. And as the bartender filled my glass one last time for the evening, I wished it would kill me too. Because then at least I’d have something changing me. There would a break from the continuous dark emptiness.

            I was as cold as the ice at my front door, and I raised my trembling glass, shouting “Fuck the war!”. And then I fell into oblivion. Through the blackness of the world I found myself lying on my bed with my shoes on. That was the last of the light I felt.

            ‘Til the next day…

****

            As you handed me the envelope, I knew what it contained. And I knew no matter what that opening your letter would be the hardest thing I would ever do. On that terrible evening when the darkness began looming, I opened that grey envelope as if I were a doctor making the first incision for a heart transplant.

            The world I saw no longer had substance – the lines around me had been blurred until everything I saw blended into one. I began to read your final words to me.

            “Baby, close your eyes until tomorrow. It could bring joy, or it could bring sorrow, but no matter what happens it will come as sure as light. You never know what may come, but you have to be ready for anything, even if it means losing everything. Try not to dream tonight. I know that if you do you’ll just be consumed by the darkness in the corners of your mind, and you’ll be lost to the world too. Imagine that you’re just standing here, and suddenly you disappear. That’s how I feel… I’ll never be ready for this, but I know I’ll disappear soon. ‘A thread cut with a carving knife’- That is what they call our life. And now, I understand.

            I love you.

            Be strong.”

            

Hmmm

Recently, I've felt like I should blog something. But I have no clue what...
What do blog posts usually talk about?

Events... Well there hasn't been too many of those recently. Aside from an enjoyably awkward high school Tolo. My spring break is coming up fast though! I should get back around the 17th, and my week is wide open! So whoever is reading this, let's plan something :)

Emotions...? Nothing new here either really.

Objects of stress... Well my physics of sound professor gives out craaazyyy loads of homework. Which mixed with everything else gets to be quite a bit too much. Can you say all-nighter? Also my piano class has just been pointless. She's a rather awful teacher and i have a test to catch up for very very soon.

Newly discovered things.... The book Brave New World! It's really really great. We read it for genetics class and it turned out to be much better than I thought it would be. The blog/book Stuff White People Like is quite funny, and true. The creator came to Central and talked about the blog and how it was created and everything. It was really interesting and I started to get the humor on the blog that I didn't pick up before.

Stuff currently happening.... Ellie Goulding's album is on repeat. It was just released in the US finally! Soon to come is a night filled with homework and Desperate Housewives.

Miscellaneous... It seems every time I try to do something in my beanbag, I end up taking a nice long nap... It's started to become a bit problematic haha.

Hit me up for spring break plans!

Something to Be Expanded/Completed

“Innie, where are you going?”

            “Just down to the stream, I’ll only be a bit. Don’t worry about me!”

            But I always worried.

            I knew something was wrong that day. She seemed slightly off whenever I’d say something to her. She acted like she was separated from the world. But we’d all had days like that before…. Right?

            And she went down to that stream that night, but even later than usual. And she left without a word – It wasn’t like her. I should’ve known something was wrong.

            She came back at dawn, just as the sun began to paint the horizon with the colors of the day. She tried to be quiet getting into bed, but I was awake already. I waited until I knew she would be asleep, rose from my bed, and walked quietly over to her. She had a thin layer of dirt on her face, and her sleeve was torn a bit. I went down the hall and into the bath, where I caught a small drop of blood Innie had missed in her cleaning.

            What had happened to my Innie?

            She wasn’t herself the next day. Or the day after. I couldn’t stop worrying myself about her.

            And one day, she left again. Late at night. But this time I was going to follow her. I couldn’t let something happen to her again.

            I was her shadow, following her down the street, down the dirt path, and watched her from the tree line as she neared the stream. She stood, staring across the stream for what might’ve been fifteen minutes, until she collapsed onto her knees at the water’s edge. She thrust her hands deep into the stream and started to thrash at the water, turning the peaceful flow into an aggravated spray that startled a small bird from a nearby tree.

            Innie calmed after a minute and stared down at her dripping hands. The moon glow reflecting off the water illuminated my sister’s tormented face. My gut clenched and fell from my body, leaving me both numb and anguished. I turned from the pain to return to the sleep of ignorance, knowing I would awake changed.

            Just like Innie.

There's Only Two Words.

Buzzbuzz. I have a text.

He's the first one in my mind. There's this overwhelming desire that it is him, and not someone else, responding to me. I take my phone out swiftly and and my heart dips a little to see that it is in fact, not him yet. I choose not to respond, so that i'll know for sure the next time. So that the elation stays around when i see who the text is from.

It all started with the eyes.... How i remember it anyway. Apparently he said something to me in the hallway after taking a break from dancing. I don't recall that though. I remember talking to a friend of mine and suddenly looking to my left and locking eyes with him. There was really nothing prompting it, except that maybe we were subconsciously guided to where we needed to go. At first i didn't give it any weight. He came over towards the end and danced with the group I was with, and i brushed it off as coincidence that he reappeared, though i later found out that it was definitely on purpose.

Fast forward to a week later, and i'm hanging out with two friends of mine. One of them is on facebook, and suddenly, he's posted something. My other friend said something about how he was at the Annie Wright dance a week ago. Foolishly, i only took mild notice of this. Until later that night, when i was browsing facebook... his name appeared in my head. And something compelled me to add him - even though we barely interacted and i doubted he would remember me. It was as if, despite my foolish actions, something drove me to him.

He accepted.

And the next night, he talked to me.

And suddenly, we were texting.

And two weeks later, we sat together, alone for the first time, in the Old Town Starbucks. I'd never actually been on a date before then. In my head, i'd pictured it being awkward and embarrassing, constantly doubting every word and every action. But it felt so right. And we walked. And talked. And sat, and got cold. And trespassed (technically). I left feeling a surge of energy and happiness that I didn't really understand.

And then there was Babies. And Piper. And Sufjan Stevens (of course). And the four, mixed with a few other (at the time, less important) variables, made an amazing day. And there were hands, held together with excitement, intrigue, and nervousness.

And there was the waterfront, being showered in the late-spring rain. We sat in the car for a couple hours, talking. It always seemed so easy. So freeing. So right. Just to be around him. Silences were few and far between, and conversations would roll into each other with the transition of his heart-warming, infectious laugh. His sentences were filled with such excitement - about the seemingly mundane that carried such life for him. And about the living that carried such freedom and joy. His sentences were filled with the joy of being alive.

And then it was official.

And all summer, it was rare if we weren't seen together more than twice a week. I found that when i was away from him, my life became a little more empty. A little more less purposeful. So i stayed as close as I could.

And then one week, i didn't have to leave him. No less than 100 hours together. And they couldn't have been more perfect. Staying up late into the night while the others slept, just to talk and explore each other's past and present. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but "they" lie. Nearness makes the heart grow fonder. Absence makes the heart ache.

There is one person in this world who can control how i feel - without doing anything, or saying anything - but just by being. He can make me laugh uncontrollably, and sometimes without reason. He can make me smile so much it's painful. He can make me cry with joy at night without doing anything, but simply from knowing that he's mine.

That infectious laugh that always makes Demi say "Tyyler!! Haha!". That shine in his eye when he talks about where he's going in life. That smile that he can give away to anyone for nothing in return. That sheer adorableness that can't even be put into words. That fake sad face and voice he gets when he's trying to convince me to do something. His crazy over-empathizing. His random spanish phrases he uses in the middle of a conversation (This also can be filed with the adorableness).

I'd spent a lot of time wondering about what i would do if i did have someone like him. Would i eventually tell my parents? Or would i keep it from them? Would i tell lots of people? Or only a few? What would we do, where would we go, who would we see?

But, from the very point I sat down in that coffee shop, I suddenly forgot all of those questions. They didn't matter. Let whomever know. Let them say what they want. And who cares what we do, where we go, and who we see? As long as i could do all these things with him, nothing else in the world mattered to me.



Words keep coming and going. They appear in my head as i write them down, or they disappear before they can be captured into a sentence. No matter how hard I might try, a majority of what i want to say escapes me when i go to type it. I'm sure i've missed more than one topic. For instance, his inescapable kindness. How he could never imagine paining another person, and goes out of his way to make someone's day a little better, even if it's just with his perfect smile. And there it is. One of the only words that can truly show you a glimpse of the man. And even then, it's a flawed word. Nothing truly captures him. But there are two words that come close, used either together or separately, to describing him.

Perfect.
Love.


Buzzbuzz. I have a text. This time, I know who it is. And nothing can contain me.

An Honest Mind, A Warm Heart, And a Fucking Filthy Mouth

She was always a bit of a mystery. That girl, the stand partner of one of my best symphony friends. Yeah, the one with the long hair. Getting really into her playing.

I have no idea how she wormed her way into our little group of friends. But she did it. And now i couldn't ever imagine if she hadn't. Of course, the first full and heartfelt conversation I shared with her was about Sufjan. Initially, I thought she was talking about some guy in her class that wrote weird songs about Night Zombies. Until she talked about John Wayne Gacy Jr., the song I was most familiar with then. We survived that muggy, theory-filled week together.

I only saw her once more that summer. It was sort of an odd meeting - my old stand partner and I met up and then visited Piper at the shaved ice stand, where her parents urged her to go and socialize with her friends, and to not worry about them at the stand. Always the worrier. We walked and talked and laughed with the utmost joy. I gave her a cd with some random music i thought she would like, mainly based on Sufjan. It took at least a few months for her to listen to it, i'm sure.

And then, suddenly, it was time for camp. And it was like there had never been almost a year's gap since we last met. Laughing and frantic socializing occurred, when she wasn't too busy being alone in a practice room. Not eating (She never eats). I tried to hide it the very best I could, but i desperately wanted to be around her whenever possible. It was like being in her presence was an automatic rush of happiness, and i felt like we were somehow (foolishly so, since I'd had very little contact with her) connected - as if we knew each other, and could laugh forever. She brought a friend that year too.

Silly Logan.

We kept in a bit better contact after that. Emails and whatnot. But suddenly, I'd found someone. And surprisingly (or maybe not so), he knew this girl! And had known her for years! When the conversation between us began to slow, we'd just mention her, and suddenly we'd have an amazing long conversation. Even when i'm not in her company, simple talk of her can't help but make me happier.

And suddenly, I saw her all the time.

My world began to be filled with "Sufjan!", "Holy Fuck!", and "I'm really, really sorry you guys. Like so, so, so very sorry!". She very much likes to apologize, even for the little things, as if she's worried it may be something that will deeply upset you. Yet, every time she tried to apologize profusely, I can't help from smile, even grin. Because I know how all of her nervousness before a performance, and all of her worry of upsetting someone, comes from the most honest place in her heart. Because she doesn't want to let you down, no matter what. It's not that she really cares what other people think, but rather keeping the things she loves from being hurt, or disappointed.

And every time she curses, I can't stop myself from giggling, or even full out laughing. Because such strong language is a very interesting contrast for such an amazingly sweet girl. And every time she swears, it is So Goddamned Funny! She always knows what to say to make the mood lighter, or the exact time to say some funny remark. She has impeccable comedic timing.

When i'm around her, I can never help but be in the best of moods. She carries with her this amazingly strong aura of warmth and love and honesty. And when she's sad, or under the weather, or worried, sometimes your heart just breaks a little bit. Not because you're disappointed that the happy side isn't there. Not at all. But rather, because it hurts to see such an amazing person be anything less than the happiest she can be.

And then, we embarked on a wild and epic near 100 hour long trip. It was an amazing trip. A perfect trip. I could never, and would never, change a single thing about it.

And there's only two things I can say:
"With that robe, and those glasses, you'd make a perfect psychiatrist"
"Well shit, when my shoes are off, I fly!"

Sorry about the novel. Though it barely conveys half of what I feel.
I love you :)